Monday, January 28, 2008

Can Mitt Win in Utah?

Mitt Romney has been in the news quite a bit, as of late, but one question has yet to be answered. It's a question that has weighed heavily on my mind. Does Mitt Romney have any hope to win delegates from Utah?

I know, I know, most people think it's a sure thing. Mitt Romney? Winning in Utah? Is the Pope Catholic?

But this blogger says not so fast.

Deciding whether or not Mitt will win in Utah really becomes a simple matter of looking at the characteristics of past winning candidates. If Mitt shares these characteristics, then he has a shot at winning votes here in Utah. So, without further ado, let's see how Mitt stacks up against critical Utah voters:

1- Mitt is alive. That’s right, Utah has a propensity to vote almost overwhelmingly for candidates who are currently breathing. Utah just doesn't like the spunk of a candidate who has passed on. I personally am too lazy to do research on whether Utah has in fact ever voted overwhelmingly for a dead person, but let's assume that they haven't. And if some alert reader proves otherwise, then hey, I'm not so lazy that I won't agree with them.

2 - Mitt is not a Democrat. Ah, you're saying, why not just say that he needs to be a Republican? Because in Utah, we don't really care what party you come from, as long as it's not the Democratic Party. Remember, Utah is not just the only state where Bill Clinton came in third behind George Bush Sr. and Ross Perot, but Utah is the state that is proud that they are the only state where Bill Clinton came in third behind George Bush Sr. and Ross Perot. You can be any party you want, as long as you're not a Democrat.

3 - Mitt is caffeine free. That's right, how many other candidates can you say are caffeine free. Sure, in a pinch, Utah votes for people who drink caffeine, but they don't like it. They like their congressmen to be drug free, and that includes Coke, Pepsi, and Barq's root beer (unless it's the special caffeine-free kind sold only in Utah). People in Utah are tired of compromising their values, and now finally they have a candidate who is as righteous as their beverages. Refreshing!

4 - We can't wait to get all of the spam. You've already seen just the beginning of the torrent of e-mails that will soon fill your inbox if Romney is elected tot he White house. Cute little e-mails sent out to the ward mailing list that you wish to high heaven you could somehow get off. Jokes about the President who keeps the last day of the month clear on his calendar so he can welcome in the home teachers. Jokes about the President being called to the primary because with the secret service detail, there will finally be a bit of order and obedience. There will be warm and fuzzy e-mails, funny e-mails, testimony-building e-mails, all stemming from the fact that there is a Mormon in the White House. I for one can't wait to see how many times the Three Nephites visit Washington D.C. over the next 4–8 years.

5 - Because finally we'll be able to find Osama. That's right. We know and love the separation of church and state, but that is only if the church that is separated from the state isn't our church. As soon as Mitt is in the Oval Office, we know he's going for the White Phone (a direct link to SLC), and ask the prophet where the heck (he'll say heck, because this is, after all, the White Phone), Osama is hiding. Minutes later, a holy smart bomb will once and for all, bring an end to the Osama problem.

So, for the reasons listed above, this blogger feels confident that come Feb. 2, Mitt Romney will sweep the Utah delegates. Remember folks, you heard it here first.


Corrine said...

How's your nose? You know, I think you may have a shot then at running for President. But you'll have to style your hair in a very shapely high immovable do...another fine product of Utah! ;)

Anne Bradshaw said...

Highly hilarious, Matthew! Reminds me, I must read your books :-)