Friday, September 16, 2005


So, I've been audited by the great state of Utah. Great here meaning, "freaking idiots".

I guess I owe Uncle Sam, wait, that's federal... I guess I owe cousin Earl about $500. I called the auditor today to try and figure out what happened.

Apparently we claimed that my wife stayed home with the kids... which she did. But we have to make less than $50,000... which we do. But one of the kids has to be less than 12 months old... which he was.

So where did we go wrong? Well, apparently the kid has to be born in the year that you claim it. But in 2001 I distinctly remember not claiming it because it said something about caring for the child at least 6 months. And since boy number three was born in November, I didn't claim him in 2001, but did in 2002.

"Well," I said, "That is easy. We'll just file for an additional refund for the year 2001. We just made the mistake of claiming in the wrong year."

The auditor laughed. I kid you not. He laughed right into the phone. Not a wholesome chuckle like your grandpa does. A laugh like the school bully does when you pee your pants on the playground because you're right in the middle of a good game of freeze tag, and you're not sure if it's legal to leave the playground when you're frozen, even though you really have to go.

"You can't go back and reclaim in 2001, you can only go back 3 years."

I know this guy is only doing his job, but had I been in the same room with this guy, I think I would have promised a game cube to the first one of my children who bit the man in the shins. I would have thrown in a few extra games if there was blood letting.

Ok, probably not. I'm not a violent man. But I'm quite irked at the whole matter.

But I've already started the red tape. By golly if they are going to suck me for a further $500 dollars, they are going to pay for it. I'm going to balk and waver and hamper and stall and dilly dally and quibble and put off and hinder and waffle until I feel I've gotten some entertainment out of the whole matter.


Kami said...

I about peed my pants reading this post. Only you could make getting audited so funny. I can't believe that they cannot work with you a little bit. You a almost need to be a psychic, mad genius, neurotic nut to understand the tax code anymore, certainly they should see that you were trying your best. Hmm. I guess that the guest spot you did on Court TV on tax evasion didn't help you either; and the fact that you do look rather shifty. :)

soulglo said...

I agree about the shifty looks. I've OFTEN called you shifty behind your back. But that time you called me the "W" word makes it ok.

Well, I'm sorry you were caught while trying to be evasive about your taxes. We all try to make these little maneuvers but you just have to have the know-how to pull it off. That said, I promise I won't follow-up on that $500 you owe me, too, just to make it easier on you.